What if I designed the Olympics?

February 18, 2014 doug alford

OVERHEARD IN HOLDEN HALL: (a theater student) “Tonight was fun, but it took me a half hour to get the whipped cream out of my hair.”

So there I was, sitting in Holden Hall and watching the boys engage in that once-every-four-years activity that consumes their hours and their full attention: Shaving.

No! Wait, they were watching the Olympic Games! Specifically, ice dancing.

I am not making this up. I sat there, watching them watch. They were fully absorbed in the costumes, the spins, the lifts, the twizzles…

Twizzles? Honestly, I love Olympic feats of strength, endurance, teamwork, and costumes. But I can’t really get behind Olympic twizzles (which, by the way, would be a really, really good name for a rock band- “Tonight, one night only, Gould Academy presents Olympic Twizzles, with special guests Choctaw Camel Spin!!!!”)

One of my favorite books of all time is the classic “If I Ran the Zoo:” by Dr. Seuss. It makes me think of possibilities. And so at this very special time of the year, at this special time of the sports-cycle, I tend to ask myself a similar question: “What if I ran the Olympics?”

Heh heh heh…

The possibilities are delicious! I could change sports. I could ADD sports! I could completely get rid of ice dancing!! (sorry Andee) What WOULD I do? Well, here are a few things (yes, Haberman, there is a list coming):

1. Eliminate ice dancing. This sport is really just figure skating for people who don’t like big leaps and death-defying spins, like this:

ok, maybe not death-defying.

2. Make the bobsled, luge, and skeleton runs longer. I love these sports (and any sport that requires people to go way too fast, careening off of walls). How about a 5K luge run to test your mettle? Or better yet, a 5K skeleton? Skeleton is really just luge for people secretly hoping for a head injury.

3. Combine some events to create a NEW event? Downhill speed skating? Wow! Pairs figure hockey? I’d watch it. Short-track slopestyle? Make that first jump count, it’s the only one! And ski jumping-biathlon? the possibilities are endless!

4. Finally, Curling: I know what you’re thinking, and I agree completely. Don’t change a thing. Curling is the great Olympic hope for all of us. I mean, really. I’m talking about my hopes as a future Olympian. Figure skater? Forget it. Nothing on skates for me. Ski jumping? uhh..no. I’m too tall anyways. Luge? Not strong enough. But I look at curling and think “I could DO this! I sweep the floor almost every week!” And the costumes? I’ll let the Norwegians do the talking: